One month later

"Don't turn back now that we're here
people always say
life is full of choices
no one ever mentions fear
or how the world can seem so vast
on a journey to the past
somewhere down this road
I know someones waiting
years of dreams just cant be wrong
arms will open wide
I'll be safe and wanted
finally home where I belong
well starting now I'm learning fast
on this journey to the past
home
love
family
there was once a time that I must of had them too
home
love
family
I will never be complete until I find you
one step at a time
one hope then another
who knows where this road may go
back to who I was
on to find my future
things my heart still needs to know
yes, let this be a sign
let this road be mine
let it lead me to my past
and bring me home
at last"
from the song "Journey to the Past"
from the movie "Anastasia"

It will have been a month ago as of tomorrow. That thought is a bit scary. It was about a month ago that I officially came out to friends and family on facebook. I know it seems weird that I did it on facebook. But it worked out for me, and things changed quite a bit since then.
Two months ago:
School was getting going, and I was beggining to consider how to come out to everybody that didn't know (which was most of everybody that knows me.). I can clearly remember sitting in the back of the library roughly where I sit now writing this blog post, looking at my facebook page, and thinking about coming out. I nearly did it in that first month, but I didn't know what words to use, who to tell first, how they would react when they found out, so it didn't happen in September, but it nearly happened several times.
One Month ago:
Sitting back in the library again near where I am sitting now, I was staring at my facebook page on several different ocasions, with a blank message open ready to do it, but unsure of what words to use. Several times I thought about doing it, but I didn't do it. I didn't write the words. October 13 rolled around, and throughout the day I just sat there at a computer working on various things for classes and projects I had going at the time. At one point I opened up a blank message again, and began typing, but it didnt feel quite right; as if I wasn't supposed to come out that way. At 2:53 I deleted that message, and did a status update saying "Why are some things so difficult?". Half an hour later, a good friend of mine left me a comment saying "So that you learn how to overcome adversity!". Twenty minutes pass, and I read my friends comment on that status update. That's when I suddenly typed the following into the status update bar: "I Guess things are difficult so we overcome adversity. I guess it's time for me to say it. Maybe it'll get eaisier the more I do this. I'm gay."; and hit the submit button. With that I broke down momentarily before realizing that I had to leave for class, that I had finally come out, and felt unsure of how people were going to react. So I logged off, and went to class. After class I got back to the library, and logged into facebook to see if anyone had commented on that status update or sent me a message. I ended up with four comments on the status and two messages about the status update. It was 7:13pm, and I finally knew how people were reacting to my coming out. Nobody reacted poorly. Everybody was so positive and encouraging. By Sunday evening had such a good feeling about finally being out. That night I was working in the church nursery for a class that was going on, and for whatever reason the bell choir director, who I have now known for over a year, was at church for something or other. She stopped by the nursery that night, and grabbed my attention. Thankfully there were two other people working, so it wasn't a big deal that I left for a couple of minutes to talk to the bell director. As soon as I got out into the lobby area where Dianne was standing waiting for me, she said something to me (I can't believe that I don't remember what she said. somedays I want to beat myself over the head for not remembering or recording what she said to me.), and gave me a great big hug. I just remember how positive she was about my coming out, and how supportive she was. I can remember just about crying in that moment when she hugged me because I had had no idea how she would react, and for the first time in my life I felt like I could completley be myself and not have to worry about being judge for it.
Today:
It's amazing how far I've come in a month. A week or so ago I was out at lunch with the bell choir I play with at church to celebrate one of the bell choirs members 50th anniversary. At that point, someone came over to me and asked a couple questions about how I was doing and how my family was holding up after my having come out. I answered her questions, and for one of the first times in my life I knew just how much had changed for me. I felt so free, so much more like who I know I am, and didn't feel like I was going to be judged anymore. Cut to last night at the bell choir rehearsal. On Sunday we are doing all of the non-hymn music for one of the services because we have had a bell choir for ten years now. So this week we had rehearsals on Monday and last night. We have another one on Saturday morning from nine until noon, and will be at church at 7:30 am on Sunday morning to warm up for the 8:45 service. Back to last nights rehearsal. There were times when I looked at the bell director, and our eyes connected, and it just felt like there's a connection there that wasn't there before I came out. Later on in the rehearsal we had a break. So one of my friends and I were sitting there together in two different pews. I was behind and to my friends left. I can't remember what we were talking about even. But we were having a conversation that I can see myself having had a year ago. This friend I was talking to was the same one with some questions for me a week or two ago at that lunch I mentioned. It's amazing how quickly things changed for me.

Chart Jackers-all the possiblilities

I've been attempting to keep up with this thing called chart jackers on youtube. Basically they started off wanted to create a song that they will make money from that then will be donated to children in need. This children in need thing is a UK way to raise money for children who are in need. I know Children in Need has used the UK casts of musicals to help get donations and do preformances. I thought it might be fun if those of us here in the US could do something like this. The only problem is I don't know how many people would want to do this here in the US. We also could use help from outside of the US if anybody outside of the US wanted to help us.

"The Perfect Wrong Note Learning to Trust Your Musical Self"

My piano teacher is having me read this book. It is quite amazing. I suggest reading it if you are in music.

The Begginings

The past couple of days have been life changing days that are days I probably won't ever forget. I think I should tell this story knowing that there are people out there that have gone through or are going through some of the things that I've experienced during the last week. Here I go. Quite a while ago, I came out as gay. Yet, very few of my closest friends knew I was gay. I told my four closest friends from high school back in September 2008. Yet I still I hadn't told my family or the rest of my friends. Fast forward to Wednesday of last week. I was beginning to consider if I wanted to come out to my family and the rest of my friends who I hadn't come out to yet. So for most of last week I spent quite a bit of time thinking about if I was ready to come out to other friends. Then yesterday I was at school all day, and I posted a status update on my facebook about how I was wondering why some things are so hard. I got a comment from a friend. That comment meant so much to me, and I realized that I was ready to come out to people, and was able to come out to a bunch of my friends via status update on facebook. The number of comments and private messages I received that were coming to me with support was so amazing.

#4

Three years ago
I finally began to come to terms
with everything that's going on
I had to come to terms with it
I had to learn what to do
and how to live with everything

A year passes
and all I know is how to do
is hold it in
repress things I know
repress part of who I am
I can't let this get out yet
'cause then everything will be so hard to coupe with
and I won't know how

Another year passes
and I'm beginning to do more than survive
and maybe I'm ready
to tell people
who I am
where I am

Going back to then

Today I wanted to go back to something that happened over a year ago. On 9/10/08 I finally came out as gay right here on this blog. Right now I am writing this blog and watching a youtube video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvmRBeR4iU4&feature=quicklist
The video is one from a channel called the beaverbunch. They are an amazing group of people that do regular video blogs about various topics related to the GLBT community and questions people have for them. So back to what I really started off blogging about that I really wanted to blog about today. Back when I first came out, it was amazing some of the responses that I got from peopl that I know personally that just casually read this blog. So many people were so accepting of the fact that I am gay. I wish I had kept a message I revieved via facebook from a friend after she read my blog on 9/10/08 because that message was such a good one to recieve. At that point in my life I was so scared how people were going to react to me coming out. So in recieving that message from a friend I begin to realize that people would eventually come around to the idea that I am gay. I also wanted to go a little bit into my coming out story/stories.

The first time I came out was on this blog on 9/10/08. That was a big thing because it was the first time I really said it and began to admit it to the world. Exactly a month later on 10/10/09 I posted a youtube video on my channel (http://www.youtube.com/user/ppmusic06) during which I came out again. Last fall I was at a grocery store in Midland for an interview, and was getting some pens and pencil for my classes. While I was waiting to check out, a guy walked up behind me to check out. The two of us started talking about school stuff and somehow the conversation came to relationships. It was just aukward for me to have to tell a complete stranger that I am gay, yet when he found out he was fine with finding out.

#3

It's been a long day
and I'm finnally getting home
I'm so ready for a show
and I'm ready to get in bed
and fall asleep

7pm
class has finally finished
tigers game is still going on
and it's ties at four-four
I hope they win it
hope they make it too the playoffs

9pm
tigers game is still going on
now tigers are up five to four
maybe they'll win it all
come on guys
lets get three quick outs to end this game

9:20pm
the twins scored
that can't be good
please hold them off
and score a run in the next inning
please win this game

9:40
The twins scored
and the tigers didn't
and so that's that
the game is over
the tigers aren't in the playoffs
when the blew an eight game lead

Finally home
jump in the shower
let the water wash over me
wash away the pain of loosing against to the twins
I'll go to bed and things will be better tomarrow