Loosing track, beggining new project, life is good

I sure have lost track of time when it comes to getting posts put up! I'm sorry for not posting for so long, but I've had a lot of stuff go on in my life. My lfe has been going well. And I have some great news to share with anybody that reads regularly, or might just happen to stumble across my blog and see this post.

I've got a huge project that I have begun. I am in the process of getting funding set up, finding actors and actresses, and writing the soundtrack for a small budget movie that I am going to film in Midland, MI. I started looking for funding, and actors on this past Saturday.

I am still looking for funding and actors. If you are interusted in throwing some money into a film that is coming of age story, the story of a young woman on a journey towards a career as a concert pianist, and a story of how many obsticles that life can throw at a person please e-mail me at homethemovie@ymail.com with the subject line of Home funding.

If you would like a role in this movie, large or small, please e-mail me at homethemovie@ymail.com with the subject line of home audition and with a photo (preferablly a head shot), and any experience/your resume.

What a weird dream

Last night I had a weird dream. It wasn't just weird. It was also creepy. I'll put my comments in the middle of the dream in italics so that it's easy to make sense of. So here's what the dream was:

For some reason my Mom was no longer in the picture, and my dad and mom were no longer married, which is somthing that I can't see happening in real life anytime soon. And for some odd reason my dad had asked me to marry him, and I said yes. (why the hell does anybody want to marry their father???) There were a bunch of our family friends and my personal friends at the wedding. For whatever reason I really didn't want to marry my dad, but I said yes in hopes that then one of my friends would remember that this was my dad, and marrying your dad is a bit messed up and something I wouldn't do under normal circumstances. It was just creepy that I was dreaming about marrying my dad... After the wedding was over, my dad and I were greeting our guests, and my friends kept on saying that they never expected this from me, and that they were so proud of the fact that I had found someone. Finally I ended up shouting at the top of my lungs that I was a lesbian, that it was my dad I had just married and what was everyone thinking allowing this to happen, and that if I hadn't married him that my dad would have killed me.


Geez. I never thought I would have a dream quite so creepy....I sure hope I never have that dream again. Have you ever had any creepy dreams?

What a day...I just need to rant.

It's ash Wensday. And it's been a crappy day. I just need a place to rant about whats been going on today that's been so crappy. So where do I start?

I was gone quite a bit of the day today at a local elementary school. And that was okay. At least until the kids started to get on my nerves. On the way home my brother, who came to pick me up, got on my case about how I didn't seem to be in a good mood. The problem was my brother doesn't get that when I get done at the elementary school, I'm worn out, tired, and just want some peace and quiet which he was not wanting to give me today. Then, when I walked into the house, my dad who is home on spring break got on my case. I guess someone from Western Michigan called about my application. My dad was on my case because of a whole host of reasons, so let me begin with some background.

When I first graduated from high school, I started taking classes at a local community college that fall. At the time I thought I was going to go into nursing. And part of me believed that. But anouther part, a bigger part, of me didn't want to and was only taking the classes I was because I felt like it was what my parents wanted me to do. And so I did pretty badley in some of those classes. I did eventually finish the pharmacy technician certificate that the school has. But I haven't actually taken the certification exam.

Fast forward to today. My dad got on my case when I got home. He wanted to know why I haven't been studying for the certification exam. He wanted to know how I planned to pay to go to Western Michigan if I get accepted and decide to go. He told me that if I did decide to go he wouldn't help pay for any of it until I proved that I was going to do well in the classes I take, if I go. That last part about not wanting to help pay for my schooling unless I prove that I'm going to do well in the classes makes sense. And I was prepared for that. I had done a lot of thinking about it. And I'm willing to apply for scholarships, and take out a loan if nessesary. The problem is my dad doesn't like the idea of me having to take out a loan. Hello?????? My parents both had loans when they went to college, so why is it such a big deal if I take one out so that I can go to school at the school of my choice to major in what I want to major in???? And as for the pharmacy technician certification exam...I don't think that's where I belong. It's not something I want to do forever, and it's not something I really am that interusted in doing. So I don't get why my dad is freaking out and getting on my case about all of this stuff.

Has anybody else ever experienced something like this???? Please tell me that someone has.

Back to the ranting about stuff going on in my life. During the fall of 2008, my parents made me get some counsling. And at that time, I really wasn't willing to put in ANY effort at all, so it didn't help any. So eventually I quit. And my parents weren't mad at me because they understood that I wasn't getting anything out of it because I wasn't willing to put any effort into it. And so until late January 2010 things were even rougher between my parents and I. Part of that was because of who I am, who I was at the time, and a whole host of issues that I just wasn't ready to cope with. And anouther part of it was the way my parents saw me, what my parents wanted to me, and the disconnect between my parents and I. During the fall of 2009 a lot of shit happened, and it set of this whole dispute between my parents and I. And so my parents and I went to talk to the family doctor to try to figure out a way to get things going on the right track between my parents and I. By that point I was ready to put some effort into things, but I also needed someone that would be able to help bridge the disconnect between my parents and I.

And so we found a psychologist in the area that was willing to take me. This time I wasn't so freaked out about going to counsling/therapy because I had an idea of what to expect. The first time there, my parents came with me, and the three of us taked with my therapist so that she would have an idea of where all three of us were coming from. And so the work on my part began. It was that first time with my therapist, who I still go to see once a week, that she pointed out that I do have issues with anxiety, and that the anxiety was part of what was causing some of the issues on my end. And at that time I really had no way to cope with anxiety because I had no real idea that that was what I was feeling. And so that firrst month or so was spent working through the anxiety. Thankfully I now know what tends to make me more anxious, and I know a few different ways to cope with it that work brilliantly for me.

Part of what set me off today was the fact that my dad doesn't seem to realize that I'm not just working through the issues that I have that my parents want to have resolved so we can have a better relationship, but that I am also working through what I want to do with MY life, and how to get to where I want to be. And so that gets really frusterating to me because my parents don't realize that I know that they want me to do well and be happy, and that my parents aren't willing to do everything for me, but that I also need them to understand that what I'm doing to make something of my life is more up to me than it is to them. And I've got all this pent up frustration with my parents that I haven't been able to let out for so many years because I didn't ever really realize that I was frusterated with them because they didn't care enough to pay attention to what I was actually saying through my words and actions. Thankfully my therapist is very supportive of me, and is able to make sense of what I'm wanting out of life. What I don't think my parents really realize is that my applying to Western Michigan has happened because my therapist has helped me to start making those small steps towards doing something with my life that I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE, NOT WHAT MY PARENTS WANT ME TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

My parents don't get that I WANT to go into music therapy because I BELIVE that it's something that I would enjoy and that it is something that I AM WILLING to put some effort into. My mom recently told me that it would take a lot of work to major in music therapy if I decide to do that. AS IF I DON'T ALREADY KNOW THAT!!!! Do my parents not get that I'm willing to put in effort when I find something I want to do?????

My parents don't seem to understand that they are basically trying to controll my life so much that it's putting me in a position that makes me look bad to their friends when I decide to do something that don't want me to do even if what I want to do has a perfectly legitimate reason behind it. Recently my parents got on my case because I was spending 150 dollars on month on food and gas. My parents freaked out about it because they thought I was spending too much. So they went screaming to my therapist saying that I had been spending way to much when I don't have a job. Yes, I know I don't have a job. But how the hell do you expect to to survive if I can't get around and can't eat what I want to eat? My therapist understood where I was coming from, and understood my frustration. She also couldn't believe that I was basically eatting and getting from place to place on so little. If you do the math, I was basically living on five dollars a day, which isn't easy. So why did my parents freak out? I don't really know why.

Memories of the Wizard of Oz

I have some very prominent memories from my childhood of The Wizard of Oz. I remember the part of the movie when Dorothy emerges from the house and into the world of Oz, and thinking that everything looks so plastic. It might be weird that I remember how all the plants in Oz, specifically Munchkinland looked like they were plastic. But I was so used to the real thing--true nature--from all of my families camping trips, that seeing plants that looked so fake seemed really weird to me.

I also clearly remember thinking that the way that the Wicked Witch of the West made her enterance to Munchkinland was so cool. And yet I knew that they found a way to make smoke in a single area and had a trap door or something there to get her out of the scene before the smoke cleared. I just thought that it was SO cool that they had found a way to do that. But my all time favorite scene was the scene where they melt the Wicked Witch of the West. I thought that it looked so realalistic.

Do you have any memories of The Wizard of Oz? What are your favorite memories of the movie? What are your least favortie memories of the movie?

It's been an interusting week. I've been trying to get myself going on something the whole week, but haven't been able too. About the only I have been able to do is keep getting posts for http://ComingOutAintEasy.blogspot.com set up to be posted through tomarrow. What is it with me? Last week at this time we had a big snow storm roll through, and my whole family spent two days at home together. All that snow we got is still here. Almost all of the piles of snow at the end of people's driveways are at least as tall as me, which isn't saying much considering I'm only four foot eleven and a quarter inches. After all that snow, a bit of shoveling, and countless hours waiting for the plow to come through the neighborhood, I made it to church on Saturday morning for rehersal with all the bell choirs at church. On Saturday night and Sunday morning church was having a hymn festival, which all of the bell chiors were involved in. All of the bell chiors were coming together to do a processional that lead into the first hymn. So it took a bit to get it put together. After we got the processional put together, the adult bell chior (called JuBELLation) had a rehersal to put a peice we were playing with the organ together. We hadn't ever practiced the peice we were doing at such a fast pace. We managed to make it work, which was a good thing.

Meanwhile I haven't done any work on any of the novels that I have started latley. I wish I could get myself going on even just one of them.

I should really log off now, and force myself to work on one of my novels. But that doesn't seem likley.

NaNoWriMo

Did you participate in nanowrimo in 2010? I sure did. This was my second year participating, and I completed the challange for the second year in a row. It sure has been a fun experience . THis year I managed to write the majority of the novel in November, and managed to finish the last 10000 words or so in the first half of December.

Last night I re-read the novel I wrote in 2009 for nanowrimo, and realized that I should make an attempt to re-write it into three different novels. There was so much in that novel that I didn't cover, that I want to cover, and which would add quite a bit top the novel. So I began witht the first novel of this series I am going to try to write. I am looking forward to seeing where this will take me, and seeing what happens.

I am most definatly a panster simply because I know if I plan too much, I get frusterated and give up. So I find it easier to be a pantser and see where my imagination leads me.

Hopefully I'll be back soon with my next blog!

Updates

It's time for anouther update on what I've been up to latley. Volunteering at a local elementary school three days a week takes up a lot of time, and wears me out, so I haven't posted here as regularly as I have hoped that I would. I'm still looking for a job with no luck. I had an interview in early January of this year with subway, but didn't get the job, so I've continued to apply at various places in my area. I've been enjoying bells as usual. During Christmas break, a couple of friends and I went to see the movie Black Swan. I highly suggest it. I also have been nominated to be on my church's nominating committe, and that will be voted on by the congregation this coming sunday (super bowl sunday). Meanwhile the Green Bay Packers have made it into the superbowl, which is exciting since my parents grew up about 45 minutes from Green Bay, we have family living in Wisconsin, and I have been back every year since I was born.

On anouther front I created a new blog. I had been considering doing a series of posts on this one about being gay/lesbian. But then I decided I should create a whole new blog for those posts. That blog can be found at http://comingoutainteasy.blogspot.com

Hopefully the packers win this years super bowl! Go Pack GO!