It's ash Wensday. And it's been a crappy day. I just need a place to rant about whats been going on today that's been so crappy. So where do I start?
I was gone quite a bit of the day today at a local elementary school. And that was okay. At least until the kids started to get on my nerves. On the way home my brother, who came to pick me up, got on my case about how I didn't seem to be in a good mood. The problem was my brother doesn't get that when I get done at the elementary school, I'm worn out, tired, and just want some peace and quiet which he was not wanting to give me today. Then, when I walked into the house, my dad who is home on spring break got on my case. I guess someone from Western Michigan called about my application. My dad was on my case because of a whole host of reasons, so let me begin with some background.
When I first graduated from high school, I started taking classes at a local community college that fall. At the time I thought I was going to go into nursing. And part of me believed that. But anouther part, a bigger part, of me didn't want to and was only taking the classes I was because I felt like it was what my parents wanted me to do. And so I did pretty badley in some of those classes. I did eventually finish the pharmacy technician certificate that the school has. But I haven't actually taken the certification exam.
Fast forward to today. My dad got on my case when I got home. He wanted to know why I haven't been studying for the certification exam. He wanted to know how I planned to pay to go to Western Michigan if I get accepted and decide to go. He told me that if I did decide to go he wouldn't help pay for any of it until I proved that I was going to do well in the classes I take, if I go. That last part about not wanting to help pay for my schooling unless I prove that I'm going to do well in the classes makes sense. And I was prepared for that. I had done a lot of thinking about it. And I'm willing to apply for scholarships, and take out a loan if nessesary. The problem is my dad doesn't like the idea of me having to take out a loan. Hello?????? My parents both had loans when they went to college, so why is it such a big deal if I take one out so that I can go to school at the school of my choice to major in what I want to major in???? And as for the pharmacy technician certification exam...I don't think that's where I belong. It's not something I want to do forever, and it's not something I really am that interusted in doing. So I don't get why my dad is freaking out and getting on my case about all of this stuff.
Has anybody else ever experienced something like this???? Please tell me that someone has.
Back to the ranting about stuff going on in my life. During the fall of 2008, my parents made me get some counsling. And at that time, I really wasn't willing to put in ANY effort at all, so it didn't help any. So eventually I quit. And my parents weren't mad at me because they understood that I wasn't getting anything out of it because I wasn't willing to put any effort into it. And so until late January 2010 things were even rougher between my parents and I. Part of that was because of who I am, who I was at the time, and a whole host of issues that I just wasn't ready to cope with. And anouther part of it was the way my parents saw me, what my parents wanted to me, and the disconnect between my parents and I. During the fall of 2009 a lot of shit happened, and it set of this whole dispute between my parents and I. And so my parents and I went to talk to the family doctor to try to figure out a way to get things going on the right track between my parents and I. By that point I was ready to put some effort into things, but I also needed someone that would be able to help bridge the disconnect between my parents and I.
And so we found a psychologist in the area that was willing to take me. This time I wasn't so freaked out about going to counsling/therapy because I had an idea of what to expect. The first time there, my parents came with me, and the three of us taked with my therapist so that she would have an idea of where all three of us were coming from. And so the work on my part began. It was that first time with my therapist, who I still go to see once a week, that she pointed out that I do have issues with anxiety, and that the anxiety was part of what was causing some of the issues on my end. And at that time I really had no way to cope with anxiety because I had no real idea that that was what I was feeling. And so that firrst month or so was spent working through the anxiety. Thankfully I now know what tends to make me more anxious, and I know a few different ways to cope with it that work brilliantly for me.
Part of what set me off today was the fact that my dad doesn't seem to realize that I'm not just working through the issues that I have that my parents want to have resolved so we can have a better relationship, but that I am also working through what I want to do with MY life, and how to get to where I want to be. And so that gets really frusterating to me because my parents don't realize that I know that they want me to do well and be happy, and that my parents aren't willing to do everything for me, but that I also need them to understand that what I'm doing to make something of my life is more up to me than it is to them. And I've got all this pent up frustration with my parents that I haven't been able to let out for so many years because I didn't ever really realize that I was frusterated with them because they didn't care enough to pay attention to what I was actually saying through my words and actions. Thankfully my therapist is very supportive of me, and is able to make sense of what I'm wanting out of life. What I don't think my parents really realize is that my applying to Western Michigan has happened because my therapist has helped me to start making those small steps towards doing something with my life that I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE, NOT WHAT MY PARENTS WANT ME TO DO WITH MY LIFE.
My parents don't get that I WANT to go into music therapy because I BELIVE that it's something that I would enjoy and that it is something that I AM WILLING to put some effort into. My mom recently told me that it would take a lot of work to major in music therapy if I decide to do that. AS IF I DON'T ALREADY KNOW THAT!!!! Do my parents not get that I'm willing to put in effort when I find something I want to do?????
My parents don't seem to understand that they are basically trying to controll my life so much that it's putting me in a position that makes me look bad to their friends when I decide to do something that don't want me to do even if what I want to do has a perfectly legitimate reason behind it. Recently my parents got on my case because I was spending 150 dollars on month on food and gas. My parents freaked out about it because they thought I was spending too much. So they went screaming to my therapist saying that I had been spending way to much when I don't have a job. Yes, I know I don't have a job. But how the hell do you expect to to survive if I can't get around and can't eat what I want to eat? My therapist understood where I was coming from, and understood my frustration. She also couldn't believe that I was basically eatting and getting from place to place on so little. If you do the math, I was basically living on five dollars a day, which isn't easy. So why did my parents freak out? I don't really know why.