Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Day four at camp

Day four at camp was fun, although I didn't get as much writing done as I had hope to. We had fun watching fireworks last night after a fun picnic with friends.
  • Making quick edits to what I wrote by hand yesterday as I typed it up.
  • fun word sprints via twitter
  • new ideas from friends during our picnic

Despite the good day, I got lots of bug bites and not enough writing done. Hopefully today goes better.

Today is a new day for writing. I better get back to my tent and continue writing.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Review of day three at camp

Day three at camp was a blast!
It was rather hot out, and that was fine. Don't ask me why, but I brought the TV, DVD player, and the rental place along. So last night we rented "The Kings Speech", and watched that before shooting off a few fireworks. Naturally that meant no time to do any writing from about 8:00 until a little after eleven when I joined in with the word sprints on twitter.
Here are some of the other highlights of yesterdays day at camp:
  • Listening to little kids laugh as they rode their bikes up and down the street while I wrote
  • having steak for dinner in the back yard
  • listening to the local minor league baseball team play on the radio for half an hour
  • getting about 200 words away from the 10000 word mark

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Day 2 at camp recap

Yesterday (June 3) was day two at campnanowrimo. Boy was it fun! I've been enjoying camp quite a bit this year. The following is a recap of some of the events of yesterday.
  • I wrote over 3000 words by hand, then typed them up during the middle of a rather hot day.
  • I went down to the river to watch the Bay City fireworks. For a good hour, I sat on the hill by the river writing several hundred words that yet have to be typed up, and filled the first notebook for this novel.
  • I stayed up a little to late watching youtube videos as I tried to inspire myself to start a second notebook for this novel.
  • In the end I fell asleep a little too late, and woke up a little too early.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Review of day one at camp

Yesterday was day one at camp. I sure had fun! So here's a recap of events.
I spent the morning writing the beggining of the novel I am writing for camp by hand, then typed up the first 3500 words or so, and updated my word count.
It was rather hot out, which called for lots of water, and a mikes hard lemonaid for dinner with my brat and corn on the cob.
Sleeping didn't come easy thanks to the fact that it was hard to keep cool when the temprature was in the upper eighties and we have no air conditioning at camp.
During the day, I spent part of my time writing near the lake (aka the neighbors pool) listing to people scream and splash around. What a fun sound to hear and inspire me to write a novel!
Around the camp fire, I had a lot of fun singing a variety of songs, mostly from Shrek the musical. I also pulled out my battery powered radio (aka my radio plugged into the wall in my room) and listened to Midland's minor leauge baseball team (www.loons.com) play a game that they won while I wrote by hand once again.

Thursday, June 30, 2011


Do you remember going to camp as a kid? What do you remember the most about camp?
In middle school I went to confirmation camp with my church. I remember both years I went vividly. And I have lots of memories from both years.
The first year I went, I didn't know anyone that was going. So I was a bit nervous. Thankfully I met a few people and made a few friends during the week. One of the counselors that worked there both years that I went I didn't see for years after I went. But then in the last year the two of us ran into each other at church again. It was amazing how much she had changed, and I'm sure that I changed a lot too. Probably the memory that has stuck with me the most from that first year at confirmation camp is that of my first day there, and how I got lost as I tried to make my way back from the lake front and my swimming test that everyone took to the cabin I was in.
My second year at confirmation camp, I went with a bunch of people that I knew well from church. I still made a bunch of new friends. This time I have some hilarious memories from the canoe trip that I went on with a few new friends. Neither of them had canoed before, and both were afraid of spiders. Naturally I was the one in the back steering (and also the shortest of the three of us), and the one stuck killing and removing all spiders that got into the canoe. Hearing those two girls screaming about spiders was hilarious. I also have great memories of doing crafts both years.
This year, I am experiencing a first when it comes to camp.
It's my first campnanowrimo, and the first campnanowrimo ever. How exciting!
Right now it is 11:20pm on June 30 in Michigan, where I am currently living. Campnanowrimo begins at midnight on July 1. I have been planning on staying up past midnight to get some writing on my July novel done before getting some good sleep and continuing on with the novel tomorrow during the day when I'll be more awake.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Loosing track, beggining new project, life is good

I sure have lost track of time when it comes to getting posts put up! I'm sorry for not posting for so long, but I've had a lot of stuff go on in my life. My lfe has been going well. And I have some great news to share with anybody that reads regularly, or might just happen to stumble across my blog and see this post.
I've got a huge project that I have begun. I am in the process of getting funding set up, finding actors and actresses, and writing the soundtrack for a small budget movie that I am going to film in Midland, MI. I started looking for funding, and actors on this past Saturday.
I am still looking for funding and actors. If you are interusted in throwing some money into a film that is coming of age story, the story of a young woman on a journey towards a career as a concert pianist, and a story of how many obsticles that life can throw at a person please e-mail me at homethemovie@ymail.com with the subject line of Home funding.
If you would like a role in this movie, large or small, please e-mail me at homethemovie@ymail.com with the subject line of home audition and with a photo (preferablly a head shot), and any experience/your resume.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

What a weird dream

Last night I had a weird dream. It wasn't just weird. It was also creepy. I'll put my comments in the middle of the dream in italics so that it's easy to make sense of. So here's what the dream was:

For some reason my Mom was no longer in the picture, and my dad and mom were no longer married, which is somthing that I can't see happening in real life anytime soon. And for some odd reason my dad had asked me to marry him, and I said yes. (why the hell does anybody want to marry their father???) There were a bunch of our family friends and my personal friends at the wedding. For whatever reason I really didn't want to marry my dad, but I said yes in hopes that then one of my friends would remember that this was my dad, and marrying your dad is a bit messed up and something I wouldn't do under normal circumstances. It was just creepy that I was dreaming about marrying my dad... After the wedding was over, my dad and I were greeting our guests, and my friends kept on saying that they never expected this from me, and that they were so proud of the fact that I had found someone. Finally I ended up shouting at the top of my lungs that I was a lesbian, that it was my dad I had just married and what was everyone thinking allowing this to happen, and that if I hadn't married him that my dad would have killed me.

Geez. I never thought I would have a dream quite so creepy....I sure hope I never have that dream again. Have you ever had any creepy dreams?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

What a day...I just need to rant.

It's ash Wensday. And it's been a crappy day. I just need a place to rant about whats been going on today that's been so crappy. So where do I start?

I was gone quite a bit of the day today at a local elementary school. And that was okay. At least until the kids started to get on my nerves. On the way home my brother, who came to pick me up, got on my case about how I didn't seem to be in a good mood. The problem was my brother doesn't get that when I get done at the elementary school, I'm worn out, tired, and just want some peace and quiet which he was not wanting to give me today. Then, when I walked into the house, my dad who is home on spring break got on my case. I guess someone from Western Michigan called about my application. My dad was on my case because of a whole host of reasons, so let me begin with some background.

When I first graduated from high school, I started taking classes at a local community college that fall. At the time I thought I was going to go into nursing. And part of me believed that. But anouther part, a bigger part, of me didn't want to and was only taking the classes I was because I felt like it was what my parents wanted me to do. And so I did pretty badley in some of those classes. I did eventually finish the pharmacy technician certificate that the school has. But I haven't actually taken the certification exam.

Fast forward to today. My dad got on my case when I got home. He wanted to know why I haven't been studying for the certification exam. He wanted to know how I planned to pay to go to Western Michigan if I get accepted and decide to go. He told me that if I did decide to go he wouldn't help pay for any of it until I proved that I was going to do well in the classes I take, if I go. That last part about not wanting to help pay for my schooling unless I prove that I'm going to do well in the classes makes sense. And I was prepared for that. I had done a lot of thinking about it. And I'm willing to apply for scholarships, and take out a loan if nessesary. The problem is my dad doesn't like the idea of me having to take out a loan. Hello?????? My parents both had loans when they went to college, so why is it such a big deal if I take one out so that I can go to school at the school of my choice to major in what I want to major in???? And as for the pharmacy technician certification exam...I don't think that's where I belong. It's not something I want to do forever, and it's not something I really am that interusted in doing. So I don't get why my dad is freaking out and getting on my case about all of this stuff.

Has anybody else ever experienced something like this???? Please tell me that someone has.

Back to the ranting about stuff going on in my life. During the fall of 2008, my parents made me get some counsling. And at that time, I really wasn't willing to put in ANY effort at all, so it didn't help any. So eventually I quit. And my parents weren't mad at me because they understood that I wasn't getting anything out of it because I wasn't willing to put any effort into it. And so until late January 2010 things were even rougher between my parents and I. Part of that was because of who I am, who I was at the time, and a whole host of issues that I just wasn't ready to cope with. And anouther part of it was the way my parents saw me, what my parents wanted to me, and the disconnect between my parents and I. During the fall of 2009 a lot of shit happened, and it set of this whole dispute between my parents and I. And so my parents and I went to talk to the family doctor to try to figure out a way to get things going on the right track between my parents and I. By that point I was ready to put some effort into things, but I also needed someone that would be able to help bridge the disconnect between my parents and I.

And so we found a psychologist in the area that was willing to take me. This time I wasn't so freaked out about going to counsling/therapy because I had an idea of what to expect. The first time there, my parents came with me, and the three of us taked with my therapist so that she would have an idea of where all three of us were coming from. And so the work on my part began. It was that first time with my therapist, who I still go to see once a week, that she pointed out that I do have issues with anxiety, and that the anxiety was part of what was causing some of the issues on my end. And at that time I really had no way to cope with anxiety because I had no real idea that that was what I was feeling. And so that firrst month or so was spent working through the anxiety. Thankfully I now know what tends to make me more anxious, and I know a few different ways to cope with it that work brilliantly for me.

Part of what set me off today was the fact that my dad doesn't seem to realize that I'm not just working through the issues that I have that my parents want to have resolved so we can have a better relationship, but that I am also working through what I want to do with MY life, and how to get to where I want to be. And so that gets really frusterating to me because my parents don't realize that I know that they want me to do well and be happy, and that my parents aren't willing to do everything for me, but that I also need them to understand that what I'm doing to make something of my life is more up to me than it is to them. And I've got all this pent up frustration with my parents that I haven't been able to let out for so many years because I didn't ever really realize that I was frusterated with them because they didn't care enough to pay attention to what I was actually saying through my words and actions. Thankfully my therapist is very supportive of me, and is able to make sense of what I'm wanting out of life. What I don't think my parents really realize is that my applying to Western Michigan has happened because my therapist has helped me to start making those small steps towards doing something with my life that I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE, NOT WHAT MY PARENTS WANT ME TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

My parents don't get that I WANT to go into music therapy because I BELIVE that it's something that I would enjoy and that it is something that I AM WILLING to put some effort into. My mom recently told me that it would take a lot of work to major in music therapy if I decide to do that. AS IF I DON'T ALREADY KNOW THAT!!!! Do my parents not get that I'm willing to put in effort when I find something I want to do?????

My parents don't seem to understand that they are basically trying to controll my life so much that it's putting me in a position that makes me look bad to their friends when I decide to do something that don't want me to do even if what I want to do has a perfectly legitimate reason behind it. Recently my parents got on my case because I was spending 150 dollars on month on food and gas. My parents freaked out about it because they thought I was spending too much. So they went screaming to my therapist saying that I had been spending way to much when I don't have a job. Yes, I know I don't have a job. But how the hell do you expect to to survive if I can't get around and can't eat what I want to eat? My therapist understood where I was coming from, and understood my frustration. She also couldn't believe that I was basically eatting and getting from place to place on so little. If you do the math, I was basically living on five dollars a day, which isn't easy. So why did my parents freak out? I don't really know why.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Memories of the Wizard of Oz

I have some very prominent memories from my childhood of The Wizard of Oz. I remember the part of the movie when Dorothy emerges from the house and into the world of Oz, and thinking that everything looks so plastic. It might be weird that I remember how all the plants in Oz, specifically Munchkinland looked like they were plastic. But I was so used to the real thing--true nature--from all of my families camping trips, that seeing plants that looked so fake seemed really weird to me.

I also clearly remember thinking that the way that the Wicked Witch of the West made her enterance to Munchkinland was so cool. And yet I knew that they found a way to make smoke in a single area and had a trap door or something there to get her out of the scene before the smoke cleared. I just thought that it was SO cool that they had found a way to do that. But my all time favorite scene was the scene where they melt the Wicked Witch of the West. I thought that it looked so realalistic.

Do you have any memories of The Wizard of Oz? What are your favorite memories of the movie? What are your least favortie memories of the movie?

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

It's been an interusting week. I've been trying to get myself going on something the whole week, but haven't been able too. About the only I have been able to do is keep getting posts for http://ComingOutAintEasy.blogspot.com set up to be posted through tomarrow. What is it with me? Last week at this time we had a big snow storm roll through, and my whole family spent two days at home together. All that snow we got is still here. Almost all of the piles of snow at the end of people's driveways are at least as tall as me, which isn't saying much considering I'm only four foot eleven and a quarter inches. After all that snow, a bit of shoveling, and countless hours waiting for the plow to come through the neighborhood, I made it to church on Saturday morning for rehersal with all the bell choirs at church. On Saturday night and Sunday morning church was having a hymn festival, which all of the bell chiors were involved in. All of the bell chiors were coming together to do a processional that lead into the first hymn. So it took a bit to get it put together. After we got the processional put together, the adult bell chior (called JuBELLation) had a rehersal to put a peice we were playing with the organ together. We hadn't ever practiced the peice we were doing at such a fast pace. We managed to make it work, which was a good thing.

Meanwhile I haven't done any work on any of the novels that I have started latley. I wish I could get myself going on even just one of them.

I should really log off now, and force myself to work on one of my novels. But that doesn't seem likley.

Friday, February 4, 2011


Did you participate in nanowrimo in 2010? I sure did. This was my second year participating, and I completed the challange for the second year in a row. It sure has been a fun experience . THis year I managed to write the majority of the novel in November, and managed to finish the last 10000 words or so in the first half of December.

Last night I re-read the novel I wrote in 2009 for nanowrimo, and realized that I should make an attempt to re-write it into three different novels. There was so much in that novel that I didn't cover, that I want to cover, and which would add quite a bit top the novel. So I began witht the first novel of this series I am going to try to write. I am looking forward to seeing where this will take me, and seeing what happens.

I am most definatly a panster simply because I know if I plan too much, I get frusterated and give up. So I find it easier to be a pantser and see where my imagination leads me.

Hopefully I'll be back soon with my next blog!


It's time for anouther update on what I've been up to latley. Volunteering at a local elementary school three days a week takes up a lot of time, and wears me out, so I haven't posted here as regularly as I have hoped that I would. I'm still looking for a job with no luck. I had an interview in early January of this year with subway, but didn't get the job, so I've continued to apply at various places in my area. I've been enjoying bells as usual. During Christmas break, a couple of friends and I went to see the movie Black Swan. I highly suggest it. I also have been nominated to be on my church's nominating committe, and that will be voted on by the congregation this coming sunday (super bowl sunday). Meanwhile the Green Bay Packers have made it into the superbowl, which is exciting since my parents grew up about 45 minutes from Green Bay, we have family living in Wisconsin, and I have been back every year since I was born.

On anouther front I created a new blog. I had been considering doing a series of posts on this one about being gay/lesbian. But then I decided I should create a whole new blog for those posts. That blog can be found at http://comingoutainteasy.blogspot.com

Hopefully the packers win this years super bowl! Go Pack GO!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Chapter One

Chapter One

Young eyes


"Dying in America

At the end of the millennium

We're dying in America

To come into our own

And when you're dying in America

At the end of the millennium

You're not alone

I'm not alone

I'm not alone" RENT



    "Do you know where my shoes are?" calls Coreen as she runs down the steps with her backpack.

    "No I don't." calls Coreen's father as he runs out the door on his way to his teaching job at a nearby Catholic high school.

    "The last time I saw them they were in the back hall." Replies Coreen's mother.

    "Thanks Mom." Replies Coreen as she finds her shoes in the back hall, and throws them on before running out the door to her car which she drives to school.

    Coreen is a sixteen-year-old high school Junior. During the last five minutes of sixth hour, Coreen receives a pass to go down to see her counselor. Once down in the counseling office, she sits down to wait for her turn.

    "Come on back." Says Mrs. Knight

    Coreen follows Mrs. Knight back to her office, where they both sit down.

    "So what's up?" asks Coreen

    "School seems to be going well for you this year." Replies Mrs. Knight, "How are you feeling about this year?

    "I'm feeling good about it so far."
    "I'm glad. I have a question for you, if you don't mind me asking."

    "Not at all, ask away." Replies Coreen

    "When I've seen you in the halls lately, I've been noticing that you are a little different from your classmates." Says Mrs. Knight, "And I'm wondering if you are…if…if you're a lesbian?"

    "Where in the world did that come from? And yes I am. Why are you wondering?"

    "Do you have any friends that are? Any resources to rely on to get you through?"

    "Not really; no. I'm still not out."

    "You see; when I've seen you in the halls, I noticed that you aren't like your female classmates—that you don't flirt with the guys like your classmates do."

    "Is it that obvious?"

    "In reality, it isn't obvious. It took me a while to notice it about you. You actually are doing a good job of faking it."

    "I'm glad it's not obvious." Says Coreen

    "You aren't ready to be out of the closet yet?"


    "I'm going to look for some information for you. I'll call you back in a few days when I have some things for you to look at that might help you out a bit while you make this transition."

    "Thanks. Can you not say anything about this to anybody?"

    "Sure." Replies Mrs. Knight, "It makes sense that you aren't quite ready yet."

    Mrs. Knight and Coreen stand up, just as the final bell of the day rings.

    "You'll be fine when you do decide to do it." Says Mrs. Knight, "I'll be here whenever you need someone to talk to."

    "Thanks." Replies Coreen before she walks out of Mrs. Knight's office, and out into the halls where she can get her books before heading up to the library to do some homework before the key club meeting.

    As Coreen sits in the back corner of the library near the Macs doing her homework, Coreen sees one of her teachers, Ms. Hyatt, and Mrs. Knight walk into the library. As Coreen watches the two of them, Mrs. Knight says something to Mrs. Hyatt, and begins walking towards Coreen. Ms. Hyatt sits down at a table across the room from Coreen where she quietly watches Mrs. Knight and Coreen without being obvious.

    "Hi." Says Coreen to Mrs. Knight as she walks up to Coreen, "What's up?"

    "Hi. I'm sure you know Hyatt pretty well by now." Says Mrs. Knight

    "Yeah, in some ways I know her, and in other ways I don't."

    "There are things she doesn't tell her students for various reasons. And one of those things is her sexuality. She asked me a to keep an eye on you for a while to see if I noticed the things she was in you. She wants to talk with you."

    "Okay." Says Coreen

    "I'll send her over so the two of you can talk."

    Mrs. Knight walks away from Coreen towards Ms. Hyatt. Once at Ms. Hyatt's side, Mrs. Knight whispers something in her ear and pats Ms. Hyatt on the shoulder. Ms. Hyatt stands and walks towards Coreen, where she pulls out a chair and sits down across from Coreen. Coreen looks at Ms. Hyatt, and just looks into Ms. Hyatt's eyes. Ms. Hyatt looks back into Coreen's eyes, and their eyes say it all. Both women's eyes told their stories of hope, a need to be loved, a need to love, and a pain that very few would understand.

    "How did you…" starts Coreen, "What gave you the clue that I'm…"

    "I recognized bits of myself in you." Replies Ms. Hyatt, "The way you walk and talk, the way you act around the guys in class and in the halls it what clued me in."

    Ms. Hyatt reaches across the table with her hands to where Coreen's hands are resting. She takes one of Coreen's hands in both of her own, and holds them tight.

    "When I first arrived where I am now sitting now, and our eyes connected," says Ms. Hyatt, "I could see so much of what I was feeling at your age in your eyes."

    Coreen bows her head, and looks down at Ms. Hyatt's hands wrapped around her own. As Coreen looks down at the hands lying on the table, and as her head is bent downwards, the tears begin to roll down her face. As Coreen's tears begin to fall, Ms. Hyatt stands without letting go of Coreen's hand, and walks over to Coreen's side of the table, where she bends down in front of Coreen, and lets go of Coreen's hand with one of hers, and reaches up to Coreen's face with the other hand. As Ms. Hyatt holds Coreen's face in her hand, she feels the tears come towards the surface, as if she was reliving this time of her life as Coreen did.

    "I know where you're coming from." Whispers Ms. Hyatt to Coreen, "It is never easy at first, but it gets easier."

    "Are you sure?" asks shakily Coreen through her tears

    "I'm sure. Whenever you need to talk just stop by my office during lunch, or before or after school and I'll be there."


    Ms. Hyatt lets go of Coreen's hand, and stands. As soon as she is standing, Ms. Hyatt walks over to Coreen and kisses her on the forehead. Before Ms. Hyatt can walk away, Coreen stands, and takes Ms. Hyatt's hands in her own.

    "Thank you." Says Coreen

    "You're going to be fine." Whispers Ms. Hyatt; "I'll see you tomorrow in class."

    "You too."

    With that Ms. Hyatt walks out of the library, leaving Coreen standing in the library next to the table the she and Ms. Hyatt had been sitting at. After the key club meeting, Coreen heads home without the homework she finished before her conversation with Ms. Hyatt.

    "How was your day?" asks Coreen's mom as they eat dinner.

    "It was good." Replies Coreen in reply

    "What are you doing for your next hours for key club?" asks Coreen's father.

    "The next one is bell ringing for the Salvation Army."

    "That one always sounds like fun to do." Says Coreen's mother

    Silence falls between Coreen and her parents as they eat, and continues as Coreen and her mother do the dishes. The next morning, Coreen wakes up ten minutes early as to get an early start to school, for she wanted to have a chance to talk to Ms. Hyatt. Once at school, Coreen puts her backpack, books, and lunch in her locker before walking from the main level down to the basement where she knows Ms. Hyatt's office is.

    "Hello." Says Coreen to Ms. Hyatt

    "Hey." Replies Ms. Hyatt, "How are you doing today?"

    "I'm doing good. Better than yesterday. How about you?"

    "I'm doing good."
    "Good. I've got some questions for you."

    "Okay. Come on in."

    Coreen walks into Ms. Hyatt's office, closing the door behind her, and then sits down in a chair across from the desk from her teacher.

    "How did you tell your family that you are gay?" asks Coreen

    "I straight out told them on my eighteenth birthday." Replies Ms. Hyatt, "It wasn't necessarily easy to do, but you learn to do it. And it takes time to figure out how to say it, and when to say it."

    "How long did it take you for to figure out how to say it?"

    "It took me a good five years of experiences and searching before I figured it out. How long have you known?"

    "Two years ago."

    "You'll be fine when you do come out to your family."

    "See you later today." Says Coreen before heading off to first hour.

    "You too." Replies Ms. Hyatt

    For months on end Coreen keeps quiet about her sexuality, knowing that only Mrs. Knight and Ms. Hyatt were the only ones that knew. It was during those months that Coreen did some research, and began to become more comfortable with herself. During those months, Coreen and Ms. Hyatt didn't say a thing about their conversation in the library. Ms. Hyatt didn't want to make Coreen uncomfortable about their friendship. After all their friendship was one that had started because of being a student and teacher. To push their friendship farther than two friends who met because of where one works and the other goes to school wouldn't be okay with the administrator, and might cause some issues for both women. As a senior, Coreen was exempt from taking the spring final exams, and got off a week before the exams began for the rest of the student body. On her final day of classes, as everyone in the AP Chemistry class got ready to leave, Ms. Hyatt handed each of the seniors a card.

    "Thanks." Whispers Coreen to Ms. Hyatt as she hands Coreen the card

    "Come back visit someday." Replies Ms. Hyatt

    A couple of minutes later, the bell rings and everyone makes their way into the halls and to their lockers before leaving for home. Coreen takes her time leaving the room as a way of making sure she was the last one out of the room. Once at the door, where Ms. Hyatt is standing waiting for Coreen, they stand facing each other.

    "Thanks for the support this year." Says Coreen

    "You deserve it." Replies Ms. Hyatt, "I remember what I was like at your age, and how much support I needed. And I didn't get it until I was in college. It was time that I returned the favor that friends gave me in college to a young person who needed it. Enjoy you're college career."

    "Thanks. I'll come back to visit sometime."

    Coreen walks up the nearest stairway and into the band hall where her locker is. She then cleans out her locker and tosses all of her stuff into her car and drives home.

Friday, January 28, 2011

"Loving Annabelle"

Yesterday I saw the movie "Loving Annabelle" for the first time. It was one of those movies that is sticking with me. After finishing it yesterday, I was so mellow compared to normal, and even compared to how I had been before seeing any of it. The ending of the movie just tore me up. I can't even find the words to describe why it tore me us so much. It was one of those movies that will definatly be close to my heart for a long time.
Partway through the movie, and at the end of the movie there were two quotes that I was woundering what people had to think about them.
"The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." ("Loving Annabelle")
"For one human being to love anouther; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks...the work for which all other work is but preperation." Rainer Maria Rilke

Thursday, January 27, 2011


I was afraid, scared of what had just happened, and what was about to happen. I wanted to speak; I wanted to break my silence. I was terrified of how people would react. I was afraid of losing friends and loved ones. What I had done would change my life forever. Hormones kicked in during middle school. Seventh grade came, and I found myself in a new place. I found myself attracted to a couple of my female teachers. But that was normal right? It had to be normal to be attracted to an older person right? It had to be normal to find things attractive about people that you saw every day. It had to be normal to want to experiment a little. So maybe what I was feeling about those teachers was just a phase. Maybe these feelings would disappear over time, and I would begin to feel an attraction to the guys about my age. And so I buried what I was feeling, and began to fake an attraction to the guys my age.
    By high school I had more and more male teachers. And I found it easier to fake my attraction to the guys. But those feelings I was having for my middle school teachers were still there. I was finding myself attracted to a few students at my school. And these weren't guys. I was finding myself attracted to the girls. Why weren't these feelings disappearing? Maybe this phase was going to last longer than I expected it to. Maybe I would have to wait longer for these feelings towards other young women would disappear. I had already waited two years. It couldn't last too much longer. So I would wait a little longer. I buried my feelings once again, and hoped that something would happen soon. I didn't want to deal with these feelings towards other women for much longer. It was getting frustrating, and scarier. What if the feelings I had never went away? What if I was really gay? My parents would be so disappointed in me if I was gay. My grandparents would hate my guts, and kill me if they found out that I was gay. I hoped that this was just a phase that was allowing me to figure out what I would later be attracted to in the guys.
    High School began to speed by. Before I knew it, freshman year was over, and sophomore year was beginning. Sophomore year I found myself forgetting my feelings for women. I found myself easily faking my attraction to the guys at school. A couple of my senior friends and I would hang out before school every day in the band hall. The five of us had a lot of fun just standing around and talking about whatever. The two I was closest too would write in my yearbook that spring. They wrote things that would choke me up, and that I would later pass on to a freshman during my senior year. The rest of my high school years would pass like a speeding bullet. Before I knew it, I had graduated from high school, and was off to a local community college and my first part time job.
    It was at Dow Gardens that I began to learn a lot about myself. I began making friends that I haven't forget, and have stayed in contact with. Maybe my life was about to change. I still was burying my feelings constantly. I couldn't tell anyone that I was gay. Nobody could know. I just had to keep my sexuality to myself. At first I had a lot of help learning everything I needed to know. Michelle was always in the gift shop with me those first few weeks. Usually she'd be off in her office though, getting ordering done and other things done that she couldn't do when she was the only one in the gift shop. But she was there if I had a question I needed answered about something. She was there if I needed to talk. But just having her there made life easier to deal with. But she was pregnant. And I knew in a short time she would be gone for several weeks to give birth, and maternity leave. I knew it was coming. But I wasn't prepared for it. For several weeks I was alone every day I worked in the gift shop/information center. I didn't have someone there with me that I could talk with about whatever.
    And eventually I found myself hating going to work. I wanted a different job than the one I had. I missed Michelle. Joanne wasn't the same. And I almost never saw Elizabeth or the children's garden person. I wanted to see Elizabeth and the children's garden person more if Michelle wasn't there. I didn't want to feel like I was the only girl working at the gardens, even though I knew I wasn't the only girl. It just felt like I was the only girl since I never saw any of the other women. Then, one day, Michelle stopped by for a few minutes. Seeing her was like a breath of fresh air. For those few minutes I saw Michelle, I didn't feel as alone, didn't feel like the only girl who worked at the gardens. But she still had another three weeks before Michelle would be back at work. I was sad when she left minutes later. Once again I felt completely alone.
    For three weeks I reveled in my misery at work. I would beg my friends to stop by if they were able to. But my friends were too busy with school to ever stop by. And I understood why they couldn't stop by. One Friday, when I relieved Roy from IC (Information Center) duty, he was quite glad to get out of there. The next week Michelle would be back. I was still frustrated with feeling so alone in the IC. But I could make it until next week when I would see Michelle again, and I would have company most of the time I was in the IC. But something unexpected was going to happen the next week. Something that I was unprepared for was going to happen the next week.
    The next week I began dreading going to work. I had forgotten that Michelle was back at the gardens. I didn't really want to go to work without Michelle there. I wanted someone who would be there when I needed someone to just be there, when I needed to talk with someone. But then I remembered that Michelle was back this week. That threw my mood about going to work. I was suddenly happy to go to work. It meant that I would have company again, and would feel so alone all of the time. I drove to work and clocked in happily, knowing that having Michelle around again would make my life so much easier. Those first few weeks of working at Dow Gardens felt so easy, and I had come to feel at home with Michelle. And when Michelle left on maternity leave, I no longer had the person there to rely on when life was tough and I needed a friend to lean on.
    The moment I arrived outside of the IC, I could see Michelle talking with another member of the year round staff. I couldn't help but smile. For the first time in a long while, I knew that things would be okay. My friend was back. My closest friends were all going to school a minimum of forty-five minutes away from our home town. And so I didn't get to see them very often. And that was tough on me. I had to relearn how to make friends. And I had made some new friends. But none of them were the close friends like the ones I saw some of my friends making. And so when I met Michelle, and we began to get to know each other, I was quite glad to have made a friend so easily. And so I made my way into the IC, glad to be back with my friend.
    The rest of the afternoon we spent together working on getting ready for the next few days, which were the days that the annual Christmas walk would occur. We set up a new shelving unit together, we set out a number of poinsettias, and we talked. Well, Michelle did most of the talking. She was having a bad day, and to have me there meant she had someone to listen. Late that afternoon, as I was walking out to the golf cart with another year round staff member, Michelle mentioned that I had been a great friend and listener that day. Michelle wrapped an arm around my shoulders as she said that. What a feeling. I felt like life was going my way again. I once again had a friend that would listen to me if I needed someone to talk to and someone that would just be there when I needed someone to just be there.
    In March I began working regularly again. And that was great. Michelle and I began seeing each other more often instead of on the occasional weekend. It was time to prep for butterflies in bloom. And that meant I spent some time in the conservatory keeping the floors damp so the humidity was good for the butterflies, and washing out pots that would later be used when plants were planted in the spring. But I also spent time during the prep for butterflies in bloom in the IC. One Friday, Michelle and I sat down together in the IC, to drink our hot chocolate, talk and help anybody that would come through. It felt good to just sit there together, and not have to be something that we weren't. We were able to just sit there and be ourselves, not pretending to be something that we weren't.
    On one Friday in late March or early April, before the doors opened, Michelle was working on fixing a wheel chair, and I was watering the plants throughout the IC. As I made my way over to the sink to refill the watering can, Michelle moved just enough that our bodies barley brushed. As soon as our bodies were done brushing each other, which barley lasted a couple of seconds, I came to realize that I was gay and there was nothing I could do about it. I had finally come to a place that I could accept myself and my sexuality.
    Would I come out to my family and friends? Should I do it? How would people to react to my coming out? For two years I kept quiet. And then it was time to talk. It was time for me to open up and speak and break my silence. I was terrified of how people would react when I stood up and told them that this was who I am. I was terrified what would happen if my parents decided to reject me for my sexuality. I was afraid of losing friends and friends. I knew that when I came out, it would change my life forever. And then I met a person that I had never known. I met the me that was okay with whatever happened when I came out as gay. Facing the reality that I couldn't change my sexuality wasn't easy. But when I faced it, I was okay with being gay. I came out. And when I told my family. I told my friends. My family and friends accepted me as a lesbian. And it felt great. For the first time in my life, I was openly gay, and my family and friends were fine with me being gay.
    Recently more and more teenagers have taken their own lives. They took their lives because they didn't choose to be gay, and they were told that their sexuality was wrong. People tells gays that we are wrong, that we need to change and that we are choosing to feel this way. We didn't choose to be gay, just like we cannot choose to be a certain race. Is it wrong to fall head over heels for someone? Why should gays be told it's wrong to find our soul mates? Why should be forced to repress our feelings, and live a lie, and live in silence? Everyone else, who isn't gay, gets to find their soul mate. So why can't I? Why can't the gays find their soul mates? It's time to stop being afraid. It's time to stop being afraid. We want a chance to fall in love. We want a chance to live our lives without be discriminated against. I wish more people would accept gays and lesbians like me. I wish people would accept gays and lesbians as normal people, who just happen to have a different sexuality than most people in the world.
    I wish more people would be more accepting of gays and lesbians. I wish we could stop the hate that goes on every day. People don't understand how hard it is to be gay. They don't understand that being gay is something that we cannot control. They do not understand that it hurts when you tell us that we are choosing to be gay. They don't understand that so much of what you say about being gay isn't true. Please understand, we—the gays and lesbians—did not choose to be gay or lesbian. It was the way we were born. Please understand that we want to be loved just like anyone else. Please understand that we want to fall in love, just like anyone else. Understand that so many of us stay in the closet for so many years simply because we are scared of how people will react towards us.
    Even if you don't agree with me about gay and lesbian rights, or that our sexuality is the way we were born, please try to treat us as if we were any other person you met on the street. A tiny bit of kindness will go a long ways. And if you're a Christian the believes that being gay or lesbian is a sin, I beg you to take this next piece of advice. God told us not to judge others. So don't judge us for our sexuality. Remember the golden rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated.