It's been nearly two months since I came out. Wow. Has it really been that long?
I've had a fair share of things happen since then. Everything that has happened somehow worked out so well. I honestly never thought that people would be so cool when I came out, and were so accepting of me. Nobody seemed to question it. But people did come up to me and wanting to make sure I was doing okay, and wanting to make sure I was holding up okay; that I was doing okay.
And things are going well. I've made the transition from being in transition from being in the closet to being completely out.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
NaNoWriMo novel update
I've spent the whole morning thinking about the novel I wrote for National Novel Writing Month. I also spent about two hours last night thinking about it. Since I started really thinking about it, it hit me that I really haven't finished the novel. Sure I crossed the 50,000 word mark making me a winner of NaNoWriMo (www.nanowrimo.org), but that doesn't mean that I really finished the novel. When I was at the end of November, and trying to cross the 50,000 word mark, I thought I had the novel just about done. But what I didn't realize at that time was how much more to the novel there was, and just how much I yet had to write.
When I first began writing the novel, I thought that it would be in two parts. Half of it would be about one family and the second half would be about a different family. That came true. But what I didn't realize was that there were two other parts I hadn't even thought about exploring. Those two parts are about two different characters that appear in each of the original two parts (One of them in the original part one, and the other in the original part two). So now I am going attempt to write the two parts that I haven't written yet and get them put into the novel. I hope it works out.
When I first began writing the novel, I thought that it would be in two parts. Half of it would be about one family and the second half would be about a different family. That came true. But what I didn't realize was that there were two other parts I hadn't even thought about exploring. Those two parts are about two different characters that appear in each of the original two parts (One of them in the original part one, and the other in the original part two). So now I am going attempt to write the two parts that I haven't written yet and get them put into the novel. I hope it works out.
Friday, December 4, 2009
NaNoWriMo novel and other stuff going on in my life
NaNoWriMo Novel:
My nanowrimo novel came out in two parts. Part one was a part that I knew almost exactly would happen since I decided to write this novel near the end of October. The second part was harder to write because it didn't pop into my head until later in the month. Rachel appears in the second part of my nanowrimo novel, which challenged me. The characters in the second part were more difficult to predict, so I spent a lot of time staring at the computer screen trying to figure them out. But I enjoyed writing the second part so much because the characters challanged me in ways I didn't expect. Rachel was one of the characters that got to me. Some of the things she has to go through during her life weren't easy to write because I knew how much those experiences could hurt because I went through a time when I didn't know if those situations were ones I could experience during my life. Naturally that made me not want to hurt her, but in the end I did end up putting her in some tough situations that I don't anyone ever wants to experience. One of my favorite parts to write was one that I am experiencing myself at the moment. I loved writing that part not only because I'm experiencing that situation myself, but also because it's a part of life for everyone who falls in love and is trying to figure out how to tell the person they fell in love how they feel.
My life:
Tonight I have my first piano recital since June 2006 at 6:30PM at the Midland Center for the arts. I feel like I have been working on the two peices I will be playing tonight in front of the rest of my teachers students and their families for a good two months, but one I have been playing for nearly four months, and the other I've only been playing for a month. I am definatly excited for tonight. Thankfully after my first several years of lessons (Febuary 2000 through June 2006), I played in roughly 13 of my piano teachers recitals, played in Keyboardfest five times, and did the piano SAT testing here in town (aka theroy, technique, and preformance testing.), I have become used to playing in front of people even if I don't know them. Exmple: The first year I did the piano SAT testing here in town I was in seventh grade. I was completley prepared for it when I got to the church it is held at, even though I had no idea how it was set up, how the piano I was to play for the preformance aspect would play. I found out upon my arrival with my mom that I was going to have to do my preformance for a judge in the front of the sanctuary. EEEK! That was a scary thought, for that meant the seventh grade me, who had never done this before, was going to have to walk down the isle and past the judge before I reached the piano. Not exactly the best situatin for the tiny seventh grade me who had never done this before, was super nervous about playing for a judge, and was rather shy. So yeah...if you have every played in a competition or played for a judge wether it was for testing (like the piano SAT I went through four times, and yes I did want to do it all four times. I think I rather like putting myself in places where there is a challange.) or for a competition, I think you'll understand the nerves that can accompany playing in front of a judge where it is only you.
I know my piano teacher has quite a few begginer students, and most of her students are younger than me, which of course adds an element that is interusting. Younger kids always look up to those who are older than them. It's true. Just ask the elementary version of myself who looked up to the middle-schoolers who were acolites at church. Little kids ALWAYS look up to people who are older than them, especially when the person they look up to can do something better than they can. I know that the older kids that are playing tonight also look up to people, after all doesn't everybody have someone they look up to for one reason or anouther? One of the things I can remember during my high school years of playing the piano, taking lessons, and playing in recitals, and getting to see a concert pianist play here in Midland with the symphony orchestra in November 2004. What amazed me about that convert was that the concert piansist was only a year older than me (litterally she's something like one year and eleven days older than me!), and she was playing so well. During the Winter 2007 semester here at Delta, I took a class called piano 2. Basically it was a group piano class where we all were supposed to be learning to play the piano. I honestly would have tested into piano three if piano three was offered, so I found the class quite easy. Each class (once a week on Mondays that semester) we had to play a peice we had been given the week before. That first preformance we played in front of the class with everyone listening to you play. When it came my turn, I pretty much knew I was one of the better players in the class, and I had the peice practically memorized it was so easy. So I played. I could sense that people in the class were amazed by how well I was playing. It wasn't that the other people in the room were bad, but it was that I had more playing time from six years of lessons before this class. So yeah. I don't know how people are going to react to what I am playing tonight during the recital, but I do know that I can play both peices well, and will be fine. Although I am also sure that I will eaither make a mistake or won't do something dynamic wise that I won't be happy with. That's just what happens when you play the piano and are playing at the level I am-you get mad at yourself over the tiniest mistakes that nobody else notices because you know you could have done that so much better.
I miss being that little sixth and seventh grader who played the piano so kid-like. When I see a lot of adult players/older piano players and the kid players play one after anouther, it hits me how much fun the kids have, and how little fun the older students tend to have. That's something that I've been having to push myself to do-be more of a kid when I play the piano. What I've found is that the more I enjoy playing, the more I think like a kid would, the better I play and the more fun I have.
Life is too short. Do something fun today.
My nanowrimo novel came out in two parts. Part one was a part that I knew almost exactly would happen since I decided to write this novel near the end of October. The second part was harder to write because it didn't pop into my head until later in the month. Rachel appears in the second part of my nanowrimo novel, which challenged me. The characters in the second part were more difficult to predict, so I spent a lot of time staring at the computer screen trying to figure them out. But I enjoyed writing the second part so much because the characters challanged me in ways I didn't expect. Rachel was one of the characters that got to me. Some of the things she has to go through during her life weren't easy to write because I knew how much those experiences could hurt because I went through a time when I didn't know if those situations were ones I could experience during my life. Naturally that made me not want to hurt her, but in the end I did end up putting her in some tough situations that I don't anyone ever wants to experience. One of my favorite parts to write was one that I am experiencing myself at the moment. I loved writing that part not only because I'm experiencing that situation myself, but also because it's a part of life for everyone who falls in love and is trying to figure out how to tell the person they fell in love how they feel.
My life:
Tonight I have my first piano recital since June 2006 at 6:30PM at the Midland Center for the arts. I feel like I have been working on the two peices I will be playing tonight in front of the rest of my teachers students and their families for a good two months, but one I have been playing for nearly four months, and the other I've only been playing for a month. I am definatly excited for tonight. Thankfully after my first several years of lessons (Febuary 2000 through June 2006), I played in roughly 13 of my piano teachers recitals, played in Keyboardfest five times, and did the piano SAT testing here in town (aka theroy, technique, and preformance testing.), I have become used to playing in front of people even if I don't know them. Exmple: The first year I did the piano SAT testing here in town I was in seventh grade. I was completley prepared for it when I got to the church it is held at, even though I had no idea how it was set up, how the piano I was to play for the preformance aspect would play. I found out upon my arrival with my mom that I was going to have to do my preformance for a judge in the front of the sanctuary. EEEK! That was a scary thought, for that meant the seventh grade me, who had never done this before, was going to have to walk down the isle and past the judge before I reached the piano. Not exactly the best situatin for the tiny seventh grade me who had never done this before, was super nervous about playing for a judge, and was rather shy. So yeah...if you have every played in a competition or played for a judge wether it was for testing (like the piano SAT I went through four times, and yes I did want to do it all four times. I think I rather like putting myself in places where there is a challange.) or for a competition, I think you'll understand the nerves that can accompany playing in front of a judge where it is only you.
I know my piano teacher has quite a few begginer students, and most of her students are younger than me, which of course adds an element that is interusting. Younger kids always look up to those who are older than them. It's true. Just ask the elementary version of myself who looked up to the middle-schoolers who were acolites at church. Little kids ALWAYS look up to people who are older than them, especially when the person they look up to can do something better than they can. I know that the older kids that are playing tonight also look up to people, after all doesn't everybody have someone they look up to for one reason or anouther? One of the things I can remember during my high school years of playing the piano, taking lessons, and playing in recitals, and getting to see a concert pianist play here in Midland with the symphony orchestra in November 2004. What amazed me about that convert was that the concert piansist was only a year older than me (litterally she's something like one year and eleven days older than me!), and she was playing so well. During the Winter 2007 semester here at Delta, I took a class called piano 2. Basically it was a group piano class where we all were supposed to be learning to play the piano. I honestly would have tested into piano three if piano three was offered, so I found the class quite easy. Each class (once a week on Mondays that semester) we had to play a peice we had been given the week before. That first preformance we played in front of the class with everyone listening to you play. When it came my turn, I pretty much knew I was one of the better players in the class, and I had the peice practically memorized it was so easy. So I played. I could sense that people in the class were amazed by how well I was playing. It wasn't that the other people in the room were bad, but it was that I had more playing time from six years of lessons before this class. So yeah. I don't know how people are going to react to what I am playing tonight during the recital, but I do know that I can play both peices well, and will be fine. Although I am also sure that I will eaither make a mistake or won't do something dynamic wise that I won't be happy with. That's just what happens when you play the piano and are playing at the level I am-you get mad at yourself over the tiniest mistakes that nobody else notices because you know you could have done that so much better.
I miss being that little sixth and seventh grader who played the piano so kid-like. When I see a lot of adult players/older piano players and the kid players play one after anouther, it hits me how much fun the kids have, and how little fun the older students tend to have. That's something that I've been having to push myself to do-be more of a kid when I play the piano. What I've found is that the more I enjoy playing, the more I think like a kid would, the better I play and the more fun I have.
Life is too short. Do something fun today.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
November re-run
As you may very well know, I participated in National Novel Writing Month this November. I really wanted to finish with 50000 words or more, and I did. But the thing that amazed me was how much writing that happened during the last eight days of November. I actually wrote 17000 words those last eight days, which averages out to 2125 words a day if I had written every day. But I didn't write every single day those last eight days. During the last Tuesday of November, I spent most of my day in Delta's library in the far back corner on a computer writing about 8000 to 9000 words. I then spent Monday November 30 writing about 8000 words. Most Tuesdays were spent in the back corner of the Delta library between classes writing my heart out, and trying to catch up on my word count since I spent most of the month behind on my word count. On Monday November 30, I crossed the finish line of 50000, validating with the nanowrimo site at 50025 words, even though my word document showed my word count as 50050. I validated at about 3:30 that afternoon, and then headed home via bike with way too much pent up energy from the month of November. After all I spent all of November keeping up with classes, homework, piano lessons, bell rehearsals, bell performances, driving to and from classes, and sitting in front of a computer typing away. And I had drunk a little too much caffine than I should have. So I naturally had some pent up energy to release, so it felt good to head home on bike and use some of the pent up energy. If there is one thing I could suggest to any future nanowrimos, it is that you don't leave the last 8000 words to write until the last day of November, because you are likely to quit like I nearly did in the five minutes before crossing the finish line.
Even though I crossed the finish line of 50000 words, I haven't finished the novel yet. So, I have challanged myself to finish the novel by January first. I don't know if I'll make it, but hey, I didn't know if I'd finish nanowrimo. So I shall let you know if I make the January first deadline.
Even though I crossed the finish line of 50000 words, I haven't finished the novel yet. So, I have challanged myself to finish the novel by January first. I don't know if I'll make it, but hey, I didn't know if I'd finish nanowrimo. So I shall let you know if I make the January first deadline.
Past, Future
Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
arms open wide
as they wait for me
to appear
Courage don't desert me now
now that I'm taking one step at a time
I can't turn back now that I'm here
life is full of choices
and no one mentions fear
of how people will react
Somewhere down this world
people will find themselves more accepting
having realized how wrong they were
about causing so much fear
in so many
Back to who I was
and onward
to find the future
on this journey to the past
one step at a time
one foot in front of the other
Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
arms open wide
as they wait for me
to appear
I wont turn back
I can look back and remember
but I can't go back to who I was
who I used to be
too much has changed
and those changes
have changed my life for the better
One step at a time
who knows where this road may go
there are things I still need to know
and I hope this road leads me forward
into the future
Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
arms open wide
as they wait for me
to appear
I know someone's waiting
arms open wide
as they wait for me
to appear
Courage don't desert me now
now that I'm taking one step at a time
I can't turn back now that I'm here
life is full of choices
and no one mentions fear
of how people will react
Somewhere down this world
people will find themselves more accepting
having realized how wrong they were
about causing so much fear
in so many
Back to who I was
and onward
to find the future
on this journey to the past
one step at a time
one foot in front of the other
Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
arms open wide
as they wait for me
to appear
I wont turn back
I can look back and remember
but I can't go back to who I was
who I used to be
too much has changed
and those changes
have changed my life for the better
One step at a time
who knows where this road may go
there are things I still need to know
and I hope this road leads me forward
into the future
Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
arms open wide
as they wait for me
to appear
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
NaNoWriMo
So things are crazy, have been crazy the past day or so. Yesterday I had a little too much caffine (double latte, three cokes) throughout the day, and therefore couldn't go to sleep last night until about 1am. And I had to get up at 6:30 this morning so I could get to school by eight to get some work done on my novel. And so I am now working on my carmel double latte, and typing this post. Dang coffee!!!! Yesterday I wrote over 3000 words. Yesterday I lost myself a few times in the process of writing a novel, and found myself at a loss for words and didn't know where to go next. And so now, I am going to go back to my word document and try to loose myself.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
One month later
"Don't turn back now that we're here
people always say
life is full of choices
no one ever mentions fear
or how the world can seem so vast
on a journey to the past
somewhere down this road
I know someones waiting
years of dreams just cant be wrong
arms will open wide
I'll be safe and wanted
finally home where I belong
well starting now I'm learning fast
on this journey to the past
home
love
family
there was once a time that I must of had them too
home
love
family
I will never be complete until I find you
one step at a time
one hope then another
who knows where this road may go
back to who I was
on to find my future
things my heart still needs to know
yes, let this be a sign
let this road be mine
let it lead me to my past
and bring me home
at last"
from the song "Journey to the Past"
from the movie "Anastasia"
It will have been a month ago as of tomorrow. That thought is a bit scary. It was about a month ago that I officially came out to friends and family on facebook. I know it seems weird that I did it on facebook. But it worked out for me, and things changed quite a bit since then.
Two months ago:
School was getting going, and I was beggining to consider how to come out to everybody that didn't know (which was most of everybody that knows me.). I can clearly remember sitting in the back of the library roughly where I sit now writing this blog post, looking at my facebook page, and thinking about coming out. I nearly did it in that first month, but I didn't know what words to use, who to tell first, how they would react when they found out, so it didn't happen in September, but it nearly happened several times.
One Month ago:
Sitting back in the library again near where I am sitting now, I was staring at my facebook page on several different ocasions, with a blank message open ready to do it, but unsure of what words to use. Several times I thought about doing it, but I didn't do it. I didn't write the words. October 13 rolled around, and throughout the day I just sat there at a computer working on various things for classes and projects I had going at the time. At one point I opened up a blank message again, and began typing, but it didnt feel quite right; as if I wasn't supposed to come out that way. At 2:53 I deleted that message, and did a status update saying "Why are some things so difficult?". Half an hour later, a good friend of mine left me a comment saying "So that you learn how to overcome adversity!". Twenty minutes pass, and I read my friends comment on that status update. That's when I suddenly typed the following into the status update bar: "I Guess things are difficult so we overcome adversity. I guess it's time for me to say it. Maybe it'll get eaisier the more I do this. I'm gay."; and hit the submit button. With that I broke down momentarily before realizing that I had to leave for class, that I had finally come out, and felt unsure of how people were going to react. So I logged off, and went to class. After class I got back to the library, and logged into facebook to see if anyone had commented on that status update or sent me a message. I ended up with four comments on the status and two messages about the status update. It was 7:13pm, and I finally knew how people were reacting to my coming out. Nobody reacted poorly. Everybody was so positive and encouraging. By Sunday evening had such a good feeling about finally being out. That night I was working in the church nursery for a class that was going on, and for whatever reason the bell choir director, who I have now known for over a year, was at church for something or other. She stopped by the nursery that night, and grabbed my attention. Thankfully there were two other people working, so it wasn't a big deal that I left for a couple of minutes to talk to the bell director. As soon as I got out into the lobby area where Dianne was standing waiting for me, she said something to me (I can't believe that I don't remember what she said. somedays I want to beat myself over the head for not remembering or recording what she said to me.), and gave me a great big hug. I just remember how positive she was about my coming out, and how supportive she was. I can remember just about crying in that moment when she hugged me because I had had no idea how she would react, and for the first time in my life I felt like I could completley be myself and not have to worry about being judge for it.
Today:
It's amazing how far I've come in a month. A week or so ago I was out at lunch with the bell choir I play with at church to celebrate one of the bell choirs members 50th anniversary. At that point, someone came over to me and asked a couple questions about how I was doing and how my family was holding up after my having come out. I answered her questions, and for one of the first times in my life I knew just how much had changed for me. I felt so free, so much more like who I know I am, and didn't feel like I was going to be judged anymore. Cut to last night at the bell choir rehearsal. On Sunday we are doing all of the non-hymn music for one of the services because we have had a bell choir for ten years now. So this week we had rehearsals on Monday and last night. We have another one on Saturday morning from nine until noon, and will be at church at 7:30 am on Sunday morning to warm up for the 8:45 service. Back to last nights rehearsal. There were times when I looked at the bell director, and our eyes connected, and it just felt like there's a connection there that wasn't there before I came out. Later on in the rehearsal we had a break. So one of my friends and I were sitting there together in two different pews. I was behind and to my friends left. I can't remember what we were talking about even. But we were having a conversation that I can see myself having had a year ago. This friend I was talking to was the same one with some questions for me a week or two ago at that lunch I mentioned. It's amazing how quickly things changed for me.
people always say
life is full of choices
no one ever mentions fear
or how the world can seem so vast
on a journey to the past
somewhere down this road
I know someones waiting
years of dreams just cant be wrong
arms will open wide
I'll be safe and wanted
finally home where I belong
well starting now I'm learning fast
on this journey to the past
home
love
family
there was once a time that I must of had them too
home
love
family
I will never be complete until I find you
one step at a time
one hope then another
who knows where this road may go
back to who I was
on to find my future
things my heart still needs to know
yes, let this be a sign
let this road be mine
let it lead me to my past
and bring me home
at last"
from the song "Journey to the Past"
from the movie "Anastasia"
It will have been a month ago as of tomorrow. That thought is a bit scary. It was about a month ago that I officially came out to friends and family on facebook. I know it seems weird that I did it on facebook. But it worked out for me, and things changed quite a bit since then.
Two months ago:
School was getting going, and I was beggining to consider how to come out to everybody that didn't know (which was most of everybody that knows me.). I can clearly remember sitting in the back of the library roughly where I sit now writing this blog post, looking at my facebook page, and thinking about coming out. I nearly did it in that first month, but I didn't know what words to use, who to tell first, how they would react when they found out, so it didn't happen in September, but it nearly happened several times.
One Month ago:
Sitting back in the library again near where I am sitting now, I was staring at my facebook page on several different ocasions, with a blank message open ready to do it, but unsure of what words to use. Several times I thought about doing it, but I didn't do it. I didn't write the words. October 13 rolled around, and throughout the day I just sat there at a computer working on various things for classes and projects I had going at the time. At one point I opened up a blank message again, and began typing, but it didnt feel quite right; as if I wasn't supposed to come out that way. At 2:53 I deleted that message, and did a status update saying "Why are some things so difficult?". Half an hour later, a good friend of mine left me a comment saying "So that you learn how to overcome adversity!". Twenty minutes pass, and I read my friends comment on that status update. That's when I suddenly typed the following into the status update bar: "I Guess things are difficult so we overcome adversity. I guess it's time for me to say it. Maybe it'll get eaisier the more I do this. I'm gay."; and hit the submit button. With that I broke down momentarily before realizing that I had to leave for class, that I had finally come out, and felt unsure of how people were going to react. So I logged off, and went to class. After class I got back to the library, and logged into facebook to see if anyone had commented on that status update or sent me a message. I ended up with four comments on the status and two messages about the status update. It was 7:13pm, and I finally knew how people were reacting to my coming out. Nobody reacted poorly. Everybody was so positive and encouraging. By Sunday evening had such a good feeling about finally being out. That night I was working in the church nursery for a class that was going on, and for whatever reason the bell choir director, who I have now known for over a year, was at church for something or other. She stopped by the nursery that night, and grabbed my attention. Thankfully there were two other people working, so it wasn't a big deal that I left for a couple of minutes to talk to the bell director. As soon as I got out into the lobby area where Dianne was standing waiting for me, she said something to me (I can't believe that I don't remember what she said. somedays I want to beat myself over the head for not remembering or recording what she said to me.), and gave me a great big hug. I just remember how positive she was about my coming out, and how supportive she was. I can remember just about crying in that moment when she hugged me because I had had no idea how she would react, and for the first time in my life I felt like I could completley be myself and not have to worry about being judge for it.
Today:
It's amazing how far I've come in a month. A week or so ago I was out at lunch with the bell choir I play with at church to celebrate one of the bell choirs members 50th anniversary. At that point, someone came over to me and asked a couple questions about how I was doing and how my family was holding up after my having come out. I answered her questions, and for one of the first times in my life I knew just how much had changed for me. I felt so free, so much more like who I know I am, and didn't feel like I was going to be judged anymore. Cut to last night at the bell choir rehearsal. On Sunday we are doing all of the non-hymn music for one of the services because we have had a bell choir for ten years now. So this week we had rehearsals on Monday and last night. We have another one on Saturday morning from nine until noon, and will be at church at 7:30 am on Sunday morning to warm up for the 8:45 service. Back to last nights rehearsal. There were times when I looked at the bell director, and our eyes connected, and it just felt like there's a connection there that wasn't there before I came out. Later on in the rehearsal we had a break. So one of my friends and I were sitting there together in two different pews. I was behind and to my friends left. I can't remember what we were talking about even. But we were having a conversation that I can see myself having had a year ago. This friend I was talking to was the same one with some questions for me a week or two ago at that lunch I mentioned. It's amazing how quickly things changed for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
