The Begginings

The past couple of days have been life changing days that are days I probably won't ever forget. I think I should tell this story knowing that there are people out there that have gone through or are going through some of the things that I've experienced during the last week. Here I go. Quite a while ago, I came out as gay. Yet, very few of my closest friends knew I was gay. I told my four closest friends from high school back in September 2008. Yet I still I hadn't told my family or the rest of my friends. Fast forward to Wednesday of last week. I was beginning to consider if I wanted to come out to my family and the rest of my friends who I hadn't come out to yet. So for most of last week I spent quite a bit of time thinking about if I was ready to come out to other friends. Then yesterday I was at school all day, and I posted a status update on my facebook about how I was wondering why some things are so hard. I got a comment from a friend. That comment meant so much to me, and I realized that I was ready to come out to people, and was able to come out to a bunch of my friends via status update on facebook. The number of comments and private messages I received that were coming to me with support was so amazing.

#4

Three years ago
I finally began to come to terms
with everything that's going on
I had to come to terms with it
I had to learn what to do
and how to live with everything

A year passes
and all I know is how to do
is hold it in
repress things I know
repress part of who I am
I can't let this get out yet
'cause then everything will be so hard to coupe with
and I won't know how

Another year passes
and I'm beginning to do more than survive
and maybe I'm ready
to tell people
who I am
where I am

Going back to then

Today I wanted to go back to something that happened over a year ago. On 9/10/08 I finally came out as gay right here on this blog. Right now I am writing this blog and watching a youtube video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvmRBeR4iU4&feature=quicklist
The video is one from a channel called the beaverbunch. They are an amazing group of people that do regular video blogs about various topics related to the GLBT community and questions people have for them. So back to what I really started off blogging about that I really wanted to blog about today. Back when I first came out, it was amazing some of the responses that I got from peopl that I know personally that just casually read this blog. So many people were so accepting of the fact that I am gay. I wish I had kept a message I revieved via facebook from a friend after she read my blog on 9/10/08 because that message was such a good one to recieve. At that point in my life I was so scared how people were going to react to me coming out. So in recieving that message from a friend I begin to realize that people would eventually come around to the idea that I am gay. I also wanted to go a little bit into my coming out story/stories.

The first time I came out was on this blog on 9/10/08. That was a big thing because it was the first time I really said it and began to admit it to the world. Exactly a month later on 10/10/09 I posted a youtube video on my channel (http://www.youtube.com/user/ppmusic06) during which I came out again. Last fall I was at a grocery store in Midland for an interview, and was getting some pens and pencil for my classes. While I was waiting to check out, a guy walked up behind me to check out. The two of us started talking about school stuff and somehow the conversation came to relationships. It was just aukward for me to have to tell a complete stranger that I am gay, yet when he found out he was fine with finding out.

#3

It's been a long day
and I'm finnally getting home
I'm so ready for a show
and I'm ready to get in bed
and fall asleep

7pm
class has finally finished
tigers game is still going on
and it's ties at four-four
I hope they win it
hope they make it too the playoffs

9pm
tigers game is still going on
now tigers are up five to four
maybe they'll win it all
come on guys
lets get three quick outs to end this game

9:20pm
the twins scored
that can't be good
please hold them off
and score a run in the next inning
please win this game

9:40
The twins scored
and the tigers didn't
and so that's that
the game is over
the tigers aren't in the playoffs
when the blew an eight game lead

Finally home
jump in the shower
let the water wash over me
wash away the pain of loosing against to the twins
I'll go to bed and things will be better tomarrow

#2

We've been together for quite some time
and you've been there when I needed you
I've been there when you needed me
I've known you since I was ten
you were two
but that didn't mean we couldn't be friends
we were friends from the start
we were friends as soon as we meet

Speeding down this road
all I can think of is the horizon
and of who I was
and the life I can sense is out there waiting for me

I'm miles from everything I've grown up with
yet my eyes are on what lies ahead
the horizon I can only barley see
the only thing still with me on this road
to my new life
is you, my life long friend
you're the only thing with me that has been constant

Speeding down this road
all I can think of is the horizon
and of who I was
and the life I can sense is out there waiting for me

I look back once
but don't look back again
knowing that that's when I wounder if I'm in the right place
wounder if I'm doing the right thing
instead of looking back at the life I once had
I look at you, who is standing at my side
and who is supporting me all the way

And you are there every time I need you
You're always at my side
when you least expect
opportunity walks through the door
and that's when it hits me-this is my chance
my chance to spread my wings
see things from a different view
see you chasing after me down on the ground
as I fly through the air

In a way I've lost you
as I move on with my life
even though you've been with me this long
even though you're still there next to me
even though you're bellow me, chasing me down as I fly through the air
I guess it's time to let go
let things happen when they happen

why aren't you holding me now
why are you so far from me
why aren't you at my side
where are you when I need you the most
are you just a figment of my imagination
or are you real
why am I alone
why am I so alone?

I've had mixed results
in what I've tried to do
and ended up doing
I guess that's to be expected
I really need to get my head on straight
so things don't get so mixed up

After I crash and burn
I'll come out,
and then I'll shine like the sun
and I won't give up, even though there aren't any guarantees that I'll succeed
but why give up,
there's always tomorrow to try again

here I go
I can't back down
I have to go in
and do this; head into the unknown

I could crash and burn in my attempt
to find myself in this world
where I seem to have lost myself
and I am ready to crash and burn
after all that seems to be how I'll find myself
and that's okay with me

After I crash and burn
I'll come out,
and then I'll shine like the sun
and I won't give up, even though there aren't any guarantees that I'll succeed
but why give up,
there's always tomorrow to try again

it seemed so scary when I would crash and burn when I was younger
but now it seems like one possibility of how to find myself in this world
sure I've had mixed results in everything I've done
but isn't that normal for some?

After I crash and burn
I'll come out,
and then I'll shine like the sun
and I won't give up, even though there aren't any guarantees that I'll succeed
but why give up,
there's always tomorrow to try again

there's always tomorrow
I can try again tomorrow if it doesn't work today
I can try again tomorrow if things don't work out today
I can try again tomorrow
'cause there's always tomorrow
there's always tomorrow
there's always tomorrow


I thought I would start a new series of posts here. I wanted to get back to doing this kind of post again. A while ago I was posting a series of blogs that were just poems/lyrics for songs. I wanted to get back to this for several reasons that I won't go into completley, but I thought it might be interusting to see progression of my life in these lyrics/poems.

Sickness

It's the fall, and you know what that means! It means it's that time of year when everyone ends up sick. Thankfully I've been dealing with a cold that isn't all that bad, so I haven't had to slow down or miss too much. I am not looking forward to this flu season for one simple reason--I'm spending 8+ hours a week around children under the age of 6. If you have children, or know anything about children, you'll know that they carry sickness with them wherever they go. Naturally that makes me more immune to getting a bit sick and catching whatever the children I am working with have or get. I'm literally forcing liquids down my throat in an attempt to keep me from getting too sick. After all the more water I'm drinking the more of a chance of flushing out any bugs I might catch. I've literally downed about 1500 ml today alone. No wounder I feel like I've spent so much time in the bathroom. Did I mention that whenever I wipe a runny nose in my church's nursery I use either soap and water or hand sanitizer directly after throwing out the Kleenex? I'd highly recommend using hand sanitizer. One thing that amazes me is the fact that I haven't ever had a sinus infection, and my parents are actually prone to sinus infections over colds. So how am I so lucky to only ever catch colds and never a sinus infection??? I can't answer that because I really don't know.